CAE Essay Sample, feedback and comments.

Hello Gustavo, 

I would be very thankful if you could check this Essay and this article, 

thank you in forwards.

Celia

Task

In today’s consumer society, people place too much importance on things that cost a lot of money. Write an Essay about it.

Feedback in red

(Write a title!)

It is often said that in today’s society, people place too much importance on expensive objects, others claim that it is necessary on a daily basis to get a life with more quality. But, why do they feel like this? (Feedback: Intro doesn´t make much sense. Not clear what your point is.)

There are many reasons for people to place a lot of importance on expensive things,  (but there are a few examples. (What do u mean?) Most of them are background reasons. (???) Not everyone has been raised in the same environment. Some people had everything they needed and wished for, coming from their parents to place that much importance on these material things, (???) making them temporarily happy, then there is another group that thinks that the more expensive, the better quality, which sometimes tends to be true , but is not always the case because there are people who buy them to get a “status” . The third group is made by people that had almost nothing during their childhood and want to fill up that emptiness by endlessly buying expensive objects because they really do think that it will make them more considerable. But will it make them happy? (Paragraph is too long. There are a lot of disorganised  arguments. Not clear what point you are trying to state)

I can honestly say that sometimes I do feel the urge to buy everything I like, but my subconscious regulates my thoughts and makes me think clear, do I really need it? (Paragraph is too short)

Taking everything into consideration, I think that it takes some time to find balance , but eventually everyone is capable of finding a way to a less consumerist lifestyle. (Why and how do you get to that conclusion?)

General Feedback: This essay needs major revision in terms of organisation and in terms of content. Grammar and vocabulary need to be improved. Text would benefit also of more formal language, because essays are academic documents.