CPE Writing correction and Feedback

Buenos dias Gustavo,

Te mando un ejercicio que he realizado del WRITING PART 1 para ver si me lo podriais corregir, como he visto que pone en vuestra web.

Me lo estoy preparando por mi cuenta y la verdad es que no tengo manera de saber como ando en la competencia de WRITING, por lo tanto estoy muy agradecido por tu iniciativa. Muy buena web por cierto, me esta siendo de gran utilidad.

Muchas gracias

Un saludo

Amit

Wealth, the final frontier

Does Economic wellbeing bring happiness?

(Feedback- Students usually start with an introductory paragraph. It should be 3-4 lines long and it states the topic that both texts have in common. You can see some examples in the blog)

Some people feel strongly against this way of thinking. Wealth is measured in relation to the wealth of others, so effectively; our happiness would be dependent on those around us, when ideally it should be under our control. Additionally, the elation and feeling of happiness we receive from consuming products (be it a house, a car, a mobile phone or the latest ikea kitchen gadget) is short-lived and we immediately want more, never really getting satisified. It is a never ending circle which keeps us in what some call the rat race. (Students usually start this paragraph with: The first text...)

On the other hand, some think that money does bring happiness, but the reasons are to be found after delving deeper. Money or banal possessions will does not bring meaningful happiness or long term satisfaction, but money can be the means through which we can access services and tools by which we can attain a higher state of wellbeing. which DOES satisfy us. So being wealthy would be the means to an end, not the end in itself. (Students usually start this paragraph with: The second text...)

As I see it, wealth is not necessary for happiness but it can help as us it allows for being independent, economically independent, ( check this part) and that can bring about a big change in our lives. But it does not automatically bring happiness. That depends on us. It is up to us to focus correctly, not getting blinded by the ambition for more, but instead leading a lifestyle which satisfies us. In conclusion, doing things which really quench our intellect and heart be it travelling, creating, spending time with our loved ones, developing our hobbies, helping others, and long and varied, etc. as these necessities change from person to person. So what makes you happy?  (Essays are rather formal, so do not end one with a question. I suggest also that you make this conclusion paragraph shorter, ideally 3-4 lines max)