CPE 2017 Discursive Essay Sample and Feedback

Hello I would like to send you a writing task I’ve just finished. If you some time to spare, please provide me with some useful info
Thanks a lot

Üdvözlettel / Mit Freundlichen Grüssen / Best wishes:

Sinkovicz 

Feedback in red

(Write a title)

Advertisements, with either real or fake promises, have been torpedoing our inner shield meant to defend our insecurities against being played on. According to some studies, the youth are sometimes even more exposed to being deceived and are expected to make unweighed choices (by who?). However, they often prove themselves wiser than they seem at first sight. The texts are contrasting different viewpoints on the young consumer groups. (I recommend an introduction with 4 lines, max. 5)

The first text suggests that youngsters usually purchase items with either little or no forethought at all and (that they) are easily influenced by both their peers and also icons from various fields of show business. It is suggested that this attitude is contagious and may also dominate the shopping habits of parents - luring them into buying articles without thinking twice. Indeed, many times have I convinced my parents to buy – as later turned out – unnecessary items. (Check word order in the last sentence)

Furthermore, the first text goes on to mention the inclination of youngsters to follow trends and copy each other. In spite of this being true, copying one another’s style cannot only be thought of as a quirk of youngsters since it is also common among other age groups too. Consequently, the inner urge to measure up to the expectations of society is a human trait and under no circumstance should copying others be perceived as (a) deviation from social conventions.

As the second text insightfully indicates, youngsters may not be  (?) that pliable, because they may have grown up in the unending bombardment of ads which they might have accustomed themselves to and by doing so, they have become resistant to the temptation of advertisements. Notwithstanding the deceptive nature of some ads, advertisements, varying greatly both in nature and function, can also be informative – as implied by the writer of the second text. This being said, adverts can also help people make easier and better choices. (Check use of modal verbs)

Today, with the explosion of channels and websites, advertisements hold sway over us making it almost impossible for us to escape. I would also mention that subliminal advertising, to which we are exposed on a daily basis, is even more harmful. Our minds take up more information than we think they do – doing this without us knowing. However, we are still responsible for our choices and should act after exploring more options in order that the best one can be found.

General Feedback

Good use of grammar and high level use of vocabulary, just be careful not to make the text "too difficult to read" for wanting to use elaborated words.

I think you are missing a conclusion. Another thing is that you have to check the number of words. I have not counted them but it seems a little too long?