Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Feedback on a piece of writing (CAE/CPE writing practice)

Submitted by Maria Victoria Ferrer


Task:

Write an article describing a river and its effects on the 

people who live near it.” Use approximately 200 words.


Plan
  • Title with a catchy phrase
  • General introduction about the topic: river ( the river Ganges )
  • The scale of Ganges and where it is located
  • Its importance in history
  • Its importance in culture
  • Today's relevance in the economy and commerce in general
  • Pollution
  • Final conclusion and wrap up

Feedback from CPEsamplewritings is in color red.



                         The River” (title is not catchy at all!)


Flowing through India and Bangladesh, the Ganges river is 

today one of the most important natural flows of water in the

world(,) not only due to the fact that it is the third largest river

in the world (repetition) by discharge but also because of its 

cultural and  historical relevance that are far larger than its 

2700km of length. Good intro but too long, 4 lines would be

enough. Punctuation needs to be checked, as there are no

stops or commas.



Ganga”, as Hindus call it, is a place where many people 

practice religious rituals because they consider its waters to 

be sacred(,) so public bathing is not an uncommon thing to 

see.  (a paragraph should not be shorter in length that the 

introduction).



Furthermore, Ganga has also been a gateway for commerce 

for many centuries and it still is in the present. Locals use it 

to transport goods to other regions and also take advantage 

of its fertile soil dedicating to agriculture.



However, it is also known to be very contaminated and 

polluted. It is the fifth most polluted river in the world.  

Sewage from many cities, industrial waste and garbage are 

the main sources of pollution and it has been suggested to 

be the cause of around 80% of all illnesses in India.



Even though the Ganges has played (plays) a

role of imponderable importance in the history, economy,

 and culture of India. The time has come for its society to 

make changes in their lifestyle and industries in order to 

preserve it.