Monday, 30 January 2017

CPE writing correction: Essay

Hi Gustavo,

I'm sending you my first essay I wrote for Part 1 of the writing test. This must be the hardest part of the exam since I have no reliable way of knowing just how good my writing is and what grade it will merit. So any feedback will be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Best Regards,

P.S. Pay no heed to the title, it was a joke between me and my teacher :)

 Oxford's Proficiency Masterclass Oxford's Proficiency Masterclass

Burn the zoos! Hang the keepers!
(unabridged version. also the only one)

Does conservation justify incarceration? That is a dilemma zoo opponents raise. Crammed zoo enclosures, they say, are hardly appropriate for wild animals which regularly exhibit physical and mental discomfort in captivity. On the other hand, those in defense of zoos insist that they are instrumental in keeping animal extinction at bay.

Our understanding of animals has come a long way from perceiving them as mindless automations. Today, we are well aware of the fact that their inner world is every bit as sophisticated as even our own. Can we then in good conscience continue to deprive them of their freedom, knowing full well the anguish this entails?

And while the notion that Zoos offer opportunities for scientific research holds some credence, its relevance is best taken with a grain of salt. For one can raise a serious objection to such a research and purely on scientific grounds too: animals exposed to adverse psychological conditions are bound to display pathological behavior and thus any observation will have questionable scientific merit. Add to all of this the fact that a positive link between zoos and education is yet to be established, and you’ll see that the case for zoos is looking rather flimsy.

Modern-day technology can certainly rise to any challenge of observing animals in the wild, and if the funds currently used to run zoos are spent on dismantling black markets and other anti-poaching efforts then there would be no need for zoos. The animals would again be safe in their indigenous environments.

There is no disagreement that a lot of animal species are nearing the brink of extinction as a direct consequence of human activity, and so the responsibility for action lies with us. However, the delicate nature of animals behooves us to seek more humane alternatives to zoos.

Submitted by: George R
Words: 311

Dear George, I read it twice and I find nothing to correct. Seems very well written to me. 
Let´s challenge our readers to maybe find something to correct/improve. Congrats.