CPE Essay on unsustainable tourism

Hi again! I just got this essay sample from John, from the Neatherlands. I post it below together with the task and some feedback. As always, feel free to comment below.

Essay on unsustainable tourism

                                                                                                                              Feedback in red

Enjoying a holiday after a period of hard work is what most people appreciate. Once the journey has been taken place to a particular holiday destiny you become a tourist at a place where more travellers can be found. Such crowded places cannot always manage these waves of people during a certain period and that is what both texts have in common. (Consider re-writing the intro. I don't see much connection between the lines. Second line also sounds "unnatural" to me).

Text one states that an engulfment of tourists causes problems in a variety of aspects. One of them is the rubbish people leave behind on the beaches or elsewhere in nature. Cities and villages are jam-packed with cars and other vehicles as well as public buildings are crammed with itinerants. Last but not least is the alteration of jobs of the local inhabitants. All this could be a problem although it also could have benefits. Newly started jobs like cleaners, tour guides, public transport drivers and hotel employees are examples of how to turn the downside into a positive view. Therefore an open-mind set is needed. (Check "engulfment of tourists", never heard that before. "...elsewhere in nature" seems like your vocabulary repertoire is limited. I also see the task is full of advanced vocabulary while your text is rather simple).

Text two mentions that before touristic spots turn into enticing places they are first negatively developed because of the damage tourists can cause. The amelioration of such places has most of the time more to do with the public view rather than with an long-lasting improvement. In my opinion, the focus should be on a long-term policy which attracts more holidaymakers in the future. This will enhance the sustainability of a touristic area. (Consider re-writing the paragraph. I don't think it summurises the essence of text two)

In conclusion, where travellers pay a visit to a specific region during the same period this can lead to certain difficulties. When the locals have a growth-mind set they are able to tackle these problems. (Way too vague!)

Dear John, I am sorry to say that you need to step it up ! Best regards and the best of luck in the exam!