Thursday, 2 March 2017

CPE 2017 Discursive Essay Writing Correction and Feedback

Hello Gustavo, 
my name Is Laura and I have my CPE exam on March 11th. I saw on your blog that we can send you our writings so I'm sending you some essays because I'm not very confident with my writing skills, I think it's going to be my lowest mark on the exam.
Thank you very much,

Laura Lopez


DISCURSIVE ESSAY- film industry
Question
Read the two texts below:
Write an essay summarising and evaluating the key points from both texts. Use your own words throughout as far as possible, and include your own idea in your answer.
Write your answer in 240-280 words

Movie Magic
It has often been claimed that people flock to the cinema primarily to escape from the boredom, or sometimes even the misery of their everyday lives. Remarkable technological advances have made the experience of watching a movie ever more magical and emotionally powerful, increasing the appeal and impact of the cinema for each new generation. Yet movies have a power that goes far beyond their capacity to transport us to another world, since they can influence audiences to change their attitudes or behaviour in significant ways, making them consider complex moral and social issues such as war, poverty, and prejudice.


Is the cinema in decline?
The inescapable truth is that the cinema, one of the greatest cultural achievements of the twentieth century, has reached a new low point in recent years. All but a few movies are, frankly, not worth anyone’s valuable time. Audiences are increasingly presented with childish comedies, predictable action films and disappointing sequels. There is also the absurd idea that a film with an inflated budget of millions is a substitute for a well-acted, imaginative and original film. Film studios now spend almost as much money on marketing their films as producing them, which tends to suggest their concern is with profit rather than quality.




(essay)
DISCURSIVE ESSAY- film industry 

Many are those who have enjoyed the pleasures that come from watching a formidable movie, yet there are times when disappointment is all you experience when coming out of the cinema. It is undoubtedly a matter of opinion and taste. So, is it true that the industry of movie making is going downhill? (Introductory paragraph)

On the one hand, there are those who believe film studios are only concerned about profit rather than quality, and they may be right. Multimillionaire companies such as Paramount, Disney or Metro Goldwyn Mayer, lavish millions million dollar budgets on their films with no expense spared. And, needless to say there are more and more movies with uncountable sequels being released every month. Subsequently, we are left with the same plot, only altered to look like it has evolved, when it has not changed in the slightest. Due to this fact, people pay an extraordinarily large amount for a ticket, provided they can afford to go and watch it in the cinemas, only to watch some new version of what they have already seen many times before. (First paragraph should make reference to text 1, I am not sure this does that.)

On the other hand, as I have mentioned earlier, it is all really up to your personal taste, and since everybody is different when it comes to preferences, it is rather complicated to give an objective statement. Instead, we should consider what movies actually offer us: whether it is entertainment and evasion, or deeper meanings and moral issues; Not only do movies have the ability to transport us to another world, but also to make us think, to influence us, so the variety of films allows them to appeal to all kinds of people. (Second paragraph should make reference to text two. Both paragraphs should ideally have the same number of lines. This seems rather shorter than the other.)

All in all, it really is a complicated matter to discuss, as it is subjective and personal. That said, I really think movies are, and have always been, one of the best ways of transmitting a message, as well as being one of man's great entertainment and I am sure they will continue to delight and fascinate us for generations to come.

Words: 341 


Feedback:

Dear Laura, first of all the text is too long. 
The grammar and vocabulary are ok/good. Congrats on that.
But I think it is important to follow some order:

-Introduction
-Paragraph about text 1
-Paragraph about text 2
-Conclusion

Ah, and PS: Write a title !