Wednesday, 12 July 2017

CPE 2017 Essay correction

Hi Gustavo! I am taking the CPE exam soon and would really appreciate it if you could check this essay out. It would also be helpful if you would give me a mark. Thanks in advance!

Aurora Garcia


Read the two texts below.
Write an essay summarising and evaluating the key points from both texts. Use your own words throughout as far as possible, and include your own ideas in your answers.
Write your answer in 240–280 words.

A world without risk
Compared to what it used to be, the world has become a relatively safe place; life is no longer a dangerous adventure. Instead it is dull, dull, dull. Now that many of us no longer face real danger, we pretend it’s there. We get our thrills from imagining the world is more dangerous than it is. Newspapers and news bulletins contribute to this, giving people the impression that even as they huddle in their armchairs, they are really up against raw and frightful threats.

Taking risks
We hear stories over and over again about the people who reach the end of their lives and regret the fact that they never took any risks, that they never challenged life and stepped out and tried something that was beyond their current existence. If people take care of every possible outcome of risk before they’re willing even to take it, they turn the risk into a calculated venture, and try to control it, losing most of the potential benefit of taking the risk. Risk can make us more mature, wiser and stronger.
Write your essay.

Feedback in red

Part 1 essay 
Write a title here

Central to both texts is a consideration of risk as an inherent feature of the human nature. They both identify a shift in the current attitude towards it, however varied their reasons may be -and which definetely are.

The first text is quite specialist  in its subject matter (consider revising this fragment) , focusing solely on the current risk deprivation that, he argues (who?), forces us to come up with imaginary perils (explain what you mean, give an example). Underpinning this, the writer suggests, is the fact that the exceeding safety that surrounds us has done away with the daily risks our ancestors once had to face up to. I can see the truth in this last argument, which is undeniable, but fail to take in his pessimistic view that a risk-safe environment is not to do us any good. The advances in safetyness should be praised, rather than lambasted -the “dull, dull, dull” life experience that is referred to so dismissively by the writer. (Feedback: I can see that you were trying to show off your advanced vocabulary but as a result, the text is extremely difficult/unpleasant to read)

On the other hand, text no 2 outlines an inveterate tendency to control every single aspect of our lives. Hence, the writer says, leading us to a prevailing sense of regret only to be recognised at the very end of our lives. This, as he rightly argues, has provoked a public outcry, given that a lack of risk can definitely impinge on our personal development. 

By way of illustration, let me take over the example of horror movies, whose recent upturn is nothing but noticeable. Scary movies may impress on a superficial level, but essentially trivialize and provide a content-light experience, failing to offer a scapegoat to our many, contained fears. (Something about text organisation: try that all paragraphs are more or less the same length) Maybe paragraphs 3 and 4 can be merged into one.

Everything taken into account, we could say people more often than not tend to overlook the obvious need for risk, as if not essential in our social development. From this it could be inferred that, sooner or later, we will surely be witnessing a sweeping change in our innermost social constitution.

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