CPE Spain 2018 Writing Sample and feedback

Hello Gustavo, 

First, thanks for sharing such wise information on your blog. I will soon take the English C2 test on writing as it was the only part I failed back in May. I would like this piece of writing to be checked if possible. 

Writing task: You have recently read an article from a youth magazine on the problem of inactivity in young people. The magazine has invited its readers to respond to the topic by writing a short article of their own, which answers the following questions:
Why are our young people becoming 'couch potatoes', and what can we do to solve the problem?
And this is my article!
Thanks in advance, N. B

Feedback comments in red

“Millennial’s indoor syndrome” on the verge of becoming the newest disease concern of our time   

(title too long??)

“I have to do something about this. I can only think of playing on-line games and binge-watching the latest released series on Netflix. and I can already acknowledge that my sedentary beacon of living way of life is simply not right”, says Juan Manuel, a 17 year old from Madrid, who was recently diagnosed with severe overweight. Juan Manuel’s unpleasant experience is becoming less anecdotal as health pundits have already raised a red flag alerting of what is been being called “Millennial’s indoor syndrome”.

What is causing such a loss of interest in outdoor activities? And to what extent is this affecting other young people in Spain? The latest data from the National Research Institute shows how this is not an isolated case any more. Back in time, youngsters used to go to the park to do some sport and talk to each other in person, but communication tools such as WhatsApp and multiplayer video games have changed that.  (Insert hier some statistics from the National Reseach Institute ??)

Not long ago, this foreseen scenario was only a vague apprehension and, as predicted by experts, it’s become an outright concern Experts believe Milennial's indoor syndrome is caused by two different reasons. Firstly, parents are no longer spending quality time with their children due to higher pressure on their jobs. Secondly, media is aggressively targeting millennials into mobile devices consumption, resulting in less encouragement for physical activity.

Even this highly conconcerning reality, Good news is, details about an action plan are about to be released by the current Ministry of Health and Well-being. After a first press conference, where only sparse information was given, it seems that a notable shift in work and personal balance is about to happen, probably moving into a 35 hour work week. (That deals with reason number one, but what about reason number two "media aggressively targeting millenials? What are they going to do about that?)

When If officially announced, this would mean parents are going to be able to spend longer hours with their children and hopefully do some sport together. Further measures such as organising talks on the importance of doing physical activities is advised.

Check number of words