CPE Essay on Zoos Sample writing

Here there is a sample writing sent by Elena. My feedback is in red.

Essay on Zoos

Nowadays it is widely acknowledged how much it is important it is to protect and study endangered species. Which better way to do it than keeping animals in zoos? But to which extent do zoos really represent a salvation for those animals? (Suggestion: Use more adjectives like "utterly important")

Some people argue that animals living in zoos suffer, due to the limited areas they are restrained in. Moreover, the majority of zoo-keepers use violence to “educate” animals, impinging on their physical and psychological health.  Animals in zoos are literally deprived of their freedom and living as they are force to live in an artificial environment. Humans can not learn much about their real habits and behaviour.  (Last sentence is not connected to the previous one).

On the other hand, many members of the scientific community claim that zoos are fundamental for the preservation of endangered species which, if left in the wild, would face an inevitable and rapid extinction. These scientists take into account the fact that humans actions have taken those animals to this point, on the verge of their demise, therefore it is our responsibility to take care of endangered species, intervening to save them from a threatening environment. Nevertheless, the places in which only threatened species or injured animals are kept, in order to be looked after and eventually released in the wild, are just a few. Zoos are mostly entertainment means, visited every day by hundreds of people which are not fully aware of the pain the animals they are looking at are feeling.(In the intro you mentioned first that zoos are good for animals and then that maybe they are not so good. Then, you should follow the same order in the paragrpahs: paragraph 2 should be positive and paragraph 3 should be negative)

To conclude, it seems obvious that we need to create more structures where animals can be studied and healed without compromising their life’s conditions, without using them for ridiculous shows which only cause them pain. In order to do that, one of the essential step is making our community aware of the critical situation our world is living. (Don't use "it seems obvious", it sounds too informal, plus, is it really that obvious? Don't use "ridiculous", avoid making strong judgements).

292 words