CPE Essay on conventions imposed by society

With the CPE exam coming soon, I have started to receive some emails asking for help. Well, I am glad to give you a hand! 

The following CPE sample was submitted by Donato. In the following lines you can see the task, the writing and some feedback in colour red.

Writing Task

Shifting sands: behavioural change 

Nowadays, in some cultures there may often be confusion between generations about what is
acceptable behaviour in certain situations. Older people sometimes complain, for example, about the real or imagined rudeness of others, such as in the use of electronic devices in public places. However, the younger generation do not regard electronic communication as intrusive, but rather as fundamental to their way of life. Only increased mutual understanding is likely to resolve potential conflict or confusion in any society. In this case, as in all others, it pays to be aware of other people’s points of view. 

Follow my leader? 

Should we always aim to do what society expects of us? No, what society needs is individuality. Worrying about what other people think inhibits enthusiasm and creativity. Nothing new is ever achieved by conforming to expected social norms. This is not only true for society’s innovators: everybody needs a strong sense of their own worth as an individual. This is essential for psychological well-being and the ability to function effectively in one’s personal and professional life. Paying too much attention to society’s conventions can be counter-productive in these and other ways.  

Essay on conventions imposed by society

Both texts deal with the modern issue of conventions imposed by society. (Is this your introduction, half a line? too short!)

The first text emphasises the gap between what was considered socially acceptable some years ago and the current trends. For instance, walking about with your eyes glued to a monitor is commonplace nowadays, but older generations who have had a different upbringing consider it contemptible. This leads to misunderstandings and, in the worst case scenario, even to conflicts. The only way to prevent such phenomena is to raise awareness of other people’s points of view and respect them. (Somehow I don't like the use of theverb "emphasise" in the first sentence.  Maybe a preposition is missing? Pls check on that.)

Conversely, the author of the second text champions individualism and highlights how crucial it is to innovation. If we were always expected to play by an extremely strict set of rules, our creativity and critical thinking skills would be stifled and no progress would come of this. Furthermore, the text makes particular mention of the benefits that thinking with our own mind can have on our mental well-being and career. (Crucial to or crucial for? I believe it is crucial for + noun)

Living in the era of globalization, we have to come to terms with the world views of people from all walks of life and, therefore, it is imperative that we exert some of the tolerance mentioned in the first text. However, this does not have to happen at the expense of our own individuality which we have to nurture and preserve. Being ourselves when we are in a private environment and observing social norms when we are in public is surely a good compromise that will enhance the quality of our lives in the long term.

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