CAE Essay on "who should receive the money?"

Hallo zusammen! I just received a message from Clemente, who is taking the CAE exam next month. Here there is the essay that he sent me, together with some feedback in red.

Writing Task

WHICH FACILITIES SHOULD RECEIVE MONEY FROM LOCAL AUTHORITIES?

- Museums

- Sports centres

- Public gardens

SOME OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THE DISCUSSION

Museums aren't popular with everybody!

Sports centre mean healthier people.

A town needs green spaces - parks are great for everybody

Write an essay discussing two of the facilities in your notes. You should explain which facility it is more important for local authorities to give money to, giving reasons in support of your answer.

You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you should use your own words as far as possible.

Here's the essay.

                                         MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

In today's world, hardly a day goes by when we do not hear without us hearing of recreational centres such as clubs, cinemas or amusement parks being provided with plenty of money in order to offer the best services on the market. However, are these the only facilities which should receive money? (Is it so? where? who provides the money? how much? why?)

First and foremost, I feel local authorities ought to consider the invaluable role museums play: a museum is the only way we have to dive into our past, our history, our forebear's way of life. Unfortunately, we - victims of an "e-world", where what we used to watch in fantasy movies has now become reality - are beginning to drift away from these precious facilities.

However, to my mind, museums should receive money so as to draw more and more people with a view to learning and becoming familiar with ancient cultures and traditions.(Not sure if museums are "the only way" to dive into our past, but I think you can find a better argument, and maybe mention the world "children" somewhere).

On the other hand, green spaces are losing their appeal, as well. Some public gardens, unfortunately, have now become a sad depiction of people's inconsiderateness towards nature: places filled with plastic, cigarette butts and little ponds full of everything but clear water and lovely fish. I strongly believe local authorities ought to provide public gardens with funds in order to render them clean and appealing for tourists, as well as for the people who go jogging or those who simply wish to recharge their batteries and escape from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. (Check grammar there. Maybe also use words like "sustainability" or "global.warming"...) 

All in all, if I were a member of a city council, I would undoubtedly give priority to museums; I would endeavour to try and start new stimulating projects, as these centres allow us to go on terrific tours of our history, thanks to which we can learn a lot about our origins and how we have reached our modern era. (Well...it doenst make much sense. In the last paragraph you said we need to save parks and in the end you recommend giving the money to the museum. Make up your mind!)

If you have a writing to submitt please hurry up! The CAE and CPE exam are coming soon!

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