CPE 2018 Essay sample on Sport. Correction and feedback

Hello Gustavo, 

I am tackling my CPE exam in three weeks and I am practising for the Writing task, which is the one I fear the most. Would you be so kind as to take a look at my essay (part 1 of the CPE test)? You can find the set texts below as well as my essay:

CPE WRITING EXAM TASK (PART 1)

Read the two texts below. Write an essay summarising and evaluating the key points from both text. Use your own words throughout as far as possible and include your own ideas in your answers. Write the essay. (around 240-280 words)

Text 1

Raising the Bar or School Sports

The National Sports Academy is running a series of workshops aimed at encouraging more teenagers to get involved in sport. The workshops are for teachers and will look at how to promote the numerous benefits of physical exercise and team sports to school pupils. 'Exercise helps to maintain a stable weight, strengthen bones and reduces the risk of stress-related illnesses.' explained Tim Collins, the Academy Director. 'Aside from health benefits taking part in competitive sports gives teenagers a chance to experience the highs and lows of a competition, as well as instilling discipline, responsibility and commitment - all valuable life skills.'

Text 2

Sport Seen as Uncool

Teenagers are spending less time on physical exercise because they find it deeply 'uncool', according to a survey of teachers and pupils. The problem is most prevalent amongst older teenagers. Girls are uncomfortable about sharing sports classes with boys and avoid swimming lessons because of a fear that it will spoil their hairstyles. And both sexes were scathing in the survey about the unfashionable PE uniform that had to be worn. The choice of sports available was also too limited. Teachers said they would like to see codes for sports kits relaxed, single sex physical education classes and a wider range of activities to combat the decline in activity.

Doing sport everyday keeps the doctor away

"Mens sana in corpore sano". This is a Latin expresion which means ‘a healthy mind in a healthy body’. As the saying goes, in order to be completely healthy (in the pshysical and psicological spheres), it is necessary to look after our bodies -this is, to have a balanced diet and to practice a sport regularly. It is a well-known fact that a healthy society is built upon healthy individuals, so promoting sport is an excellent idea for the sake of the society itself due to its many benefits. However, some children are oblivious of this. In order to stimulate them and give them the drive to engage themselves in sport activities, running workshops should be regarded as an excellent idea to make children aware of its many benefits.

However, sometimes this kind of initiatives are not just enough. Therefore, we should try to go to the heart of the matter in order to change behavioural patterns in sedentary children and teenagers. While it may be easier to engage younger children in sport activities -as they are often rewarded with loads of fun and entertainment-, sometimes teenagers are more reluctant to do so. Why are they so determined in neglecting their own bodies? The answer is simple: what matters most for them is not health or entertainment, but appearence. Sadly,  teenagers often do whatever it takes so as to be considered popular in their peer group. Consequently, they would rather be sedentary than ruin their sleek appearances. What they are ignoring is that, over the years, the lack of sport will have a negative impact in their beloved physical image, sometimes leading to overweight. Hence the necessity to promote sport through workshops or any other initiatives.

Alicia Rodríguez

Feedback
I find the text well-written and in fact I only had to make a couple of minor changes (a preposition or article here and there). What I think needs checking is the organisation of the text. What I usually see in textbooks, and what students usually do, is to have 4 paragraphs: introduction, summary of text one plus opinions, summary of text two plus opinions and conclusion.