CAE Cambridge Exam: Proposal on Staff Morale

Hello Gustavo I send you my writing. If there is any problem I would be grateful if you let me know. 
Claustre

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Task type: Proposal (English level B2)

Question: You work in the sales department of a large company. You have been asked to reply to this memo from the company's Personnel Officer:

Internal Memo

From: Personnel Officer

To: Sales Department

Owing to recent changes within the company we are experiencing some problems with staff motivation. Please write a proposal giving your opinion of the following suggestions for improving staff morale:

1. A party for the whole department.
2. A weekend away for the most successful sales team.
3. A monetary prize for the best salesperson.

I would appreciate any other suggestions.

Write the proposal to the Personnel Officer. (between 220-260 words)

Proposal on Staff Morale

This proposal is intended to highlight the current problem with staff motivation in our company and give provide some ideas on how to improve that issue.

STAFF MOTIVATION PROBLEMS

Add a paragraph here and explain what the problem is.

A PARTY FOR A WHOLE DEPARTMENT

I believe that could be a good option to improve relationships between people of different departments and consequently straighten up the link with all members of the company. Nevertheless, in an expensive option (check) although the results might be satisfactoy.

A WEEKEND AWAY FOR THE MOST SUCCESSFUL SALES TEAM

I am of the opinion that encouraging employees to achive high objectives is a good way to improve the benefits of the company but I also believe that this could contribute to create tension between departments and the overall cosecuences could be not as good as we expected.

A MONETARY PRIZE FOR THE BEST SALESPERSON

My viewpont of this option is that this might create discrepances between employees. Furthermore, will discourage the spirit of co-operation tha our company strives for. Despite that, is probably the most economocical of the options. (So what do you propose instead?)

CONCLUSION

On balance I would be decided (check) for the party despite the fact that is the most expensive option because I strongly believe that coud be an excelent way to improve employees motivation and also encourage relationships between different members of the staff. In addition, I opine (check) that to give facilities to attend seminaries, congres and other formation courses would help to enhace staff motivation, and as a result the company would probably improve its benefits.

Final feedback

Writing not up to CAE level. Organisation and level of vocabulary need to be improved.

Recommendation: Write a title, divide the text in 4 paragraphs only (Intro, Problem, Proposals, Conclusion) and improve the level of vocabulary used.