CPE Cambridge Exam: Essay on Sports and Teenagers

Hello Gustavo:

I have made an essay taking this example and I would really appreciate if you could check it and let me know if I am getting closer to doing one properly. I know it´s too long(I have to work on this issue) but I hope there are not that many mistakes...thanks a lot.

Task

Raising the Bar or School Sports The National Sports Academy is running a series of workshops aimed at encouraging more teenagers to get involved in sport. The workshops are for teachers and will look at how to promote the numerous benefits of physical exercise and team sports to school pupils. 'Exercise helps to maintain a stable weight, strengthen bones and reduces the risk of stress-related illnesses.' explained Tim Collins, the Academy Director. 'Aside from health benefits taking part in competitive sports gives teenagers a chance to experience the highs and lows of a competition, as well as instilling discipline, responsibility and commitment - all valuable life skills.' Sport Seen as Uncool teenagers are spending less time on physical exercise because they find it deeply 'uncool', according to a survey of teachers and pupils. The problem is most prevalent amongst older teenagers. Girls are uncomfortable about sharing sports classes with boys and avoid swimming lessons because of a fear that it will spoil their hairstyles. And both sexes were scathing in the survey about the unfashionable PE uniform that had to be worn. The choice of sports available was also too limited. Teachers said they would like to see codes for sports kits relaxed, single sex physical education classes and a wider range of activities to combat the decline in activity. Write the essay. (around 240 - 280 words) Feedback in red DIFFICULT TIMES FOR SPORTS AT SCHOOLS Sports at school seem to be unappealing for most of teenagers at this day and age. This essay will explore into summarise and discuss two texts whose concern is how to make them young feel attracted to it and explore why they aren´t. (Keep intro short, 4 lines ideal)  The first text states that teenagers are less interested in sports nowadays. (Repetitive) For that reason the National Sports Academy promotes workshops for teachers to learn how to develop a taste for sports in young students, pointing both its physical benefits and life skills derived from competition. (Make paragraph longer + add opinion) The second text, on the other hand, focuses its attention on the reasons that lie behind this unappeal for sports. The main problem seems to be the shyness boys and girls feel when sharing a sports class. They feel self-conscious due to the compulsory uniform or because their looks are going to be spoilt, therefore, they avoid these classes in order to remain fashionable and cool. Teachers have proposed single sex classes and more activities to save the decline of sports  practice at schools. (Add own comment/opinion) My opinion is that sports have always been a torture for some people (why?), let alone teenagers who are in constant denial to anything that might be given as a health benefit. (Make this paragraph a conclusion)